


Doubt Comes In (and meets a stranger)

by Smiley5494



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (its really gay), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Tumblr Post, Coughing, Crushes, Crying, Developing Relationship, Fever, Hahahahahahahahahaha, I should probably tag this as merthur, Men Crying, Merlin’s not having a great time right now, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, SO, Secret Crush, Sorry Not Sorry, Thanks to anonymous for the prompt, Whump, he cries in like every chapter, hope it fits your expectations!, huge amounts of crying, im so sorry, its not gay like the show isn't gay, post Lancelot’s death, technically its not tho, this got really shippy towards the end, well more like merlin crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27324286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smiley5494/pseuds/Smiley5494
Summary: Time and time again, people allow doubt in themselves and others to motivate their actions.Not even the most powerful are exempt, and not even the most powerful can control their emotions.Grief, anger, fear, and pain can cause the most deaths; whether visibly or not.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> prompt from anonymous on Tumblr. Hope this exceeds your expectations and fits the prompt! Thank you for sending it in.

_Time and time again, people allow doubt in themselves and others to motivate their actions.  
Not even the most powerful are exempt, and not even the most powerful can control their emotions.  
Grief, anger, fear, and pain can cause the most deaths; whether visibly or not._

* * *

Merlin hadn’t been sleeping all too well, lately. His mind played scenes on repeat—only switching it up for maximum pain. During the night his dreams were filled with visions of Freya and Lancelot, of Will and Balinor. Sometimes things changed—sometimes it was Gwen, sometimes it was Morgana and Arthur, Gaius and his mother.

Those dreams were the worst. Sometimes they were nonsensical, taking place in Ealdor or Kilgarrah’s cavern. Sometimes they were nonsensical in who they featured—once Anhorra cursed Camelot again, once the unicorn transformed into some kind of impossible creature and killed the knights.

When morning dawned, Merlin put the dreams from his mind, focused instead, on his duties and chores. He was exhausted; he couldn’t seem to focus. There were more accidents in the one day than he’d ever had before.

Arthur had clearly noticed—he’d been short-tempered and angry if the glare he’d been using to bore into the back of Merlin’s head was anything to go on. It had only taken Merlin one to many mistakes for Arthur’s thin control of his temper to break.

“Merlin!” Arthur had yelled, suddenly furious, “God you’re so stupid! Remind me why you’re still here?”

Merlin hadn’t known what to say, Arthur had never been genuinely furious with him before. He stammered out an excuse, stumbling over his words in his attempt. Arthur didn’t even care to listen, instead, he snarled harshly at Merlin.

“Remind me why I keep you around, Merlin?” Arthur’s glare was somehow harsher than before, and it _hurt_ to see it turned on Merlin.

Merlin flinched, the words worming their way into his mind. _Remind me why you’re still here_ , the words echoed around his skull, _remind me why I keep you around_.

“Arthur—” Merlin broke off at the look in Arthur’s eye. It was the sort of look Merlin never wanted to see again; one of fury, born of hate and burning anger. Merlin had never seen Arthur like this—he’d been angry, yes, but Arthur had never been scary in his anger. Not towards him, anyway.

“No, Merlin.” Arthur ordered, pressing his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose, “I don’t care for your useless excuses—just, get out of my sight.”

Tears pricked at Merlin’s eyes, his ears felt warm, and the start of bone-deep terror coiled in his stomach. He gave Arthur a polite bow and vanished out the door. It was best if he wasn’t spotted and he wasn’t heard. He would come back later—when Arthur wasn’t so furious.

* * *

Gaius put a plate in front of Merlin. It was good food, Merlin’s favourite, but he just couldn’t force himself to eat. Instead, he sat there, silently, picking absentmindedly at his food.

“Are you alright there, Merlin?”

_Remind me why you’re still here?_

“Fine.”

Merlin knew he was being short with Gaius—it wasn’t fair on the man, he was only trying to help—but he still couldn’t get the words out of his head. Arthur's words had hurt; had cut him deeply, and he couldn't seem to let it go.

Merlin heard the words again—the painful threat of banishment that Arthur had thrown in his face. Logically, Merlin knew that it had to have been a bad day for everyone; normally, neither Arthur nor Merlin insulted each other intending to hurt, but today—today they tore into each other.

Merlin picked at his food for another few minutes before pushing it away and standing up.

“Merlin?” Gaius tried again, cautiously, as though Merlin was a cornered animal—frightened and dangerous.

“Night, Gaius,” Merlin said softly, barely above mumbling.

“Oh,” Gaius said, relieved, in a way—it seemed he thought Merlin was just tired. “Good night, Merlin.”

Merlin mumbled something in response and left with barely a half-hearted wave. He didn't look back.

If he had he would have noticed the worried frown on Gaius' face.

* * *

Merlin couldn't get to sleep for hours. He lay there, barely covered by the shabby blanket, uncomfortable on his small bed. It was better than the floor, but after being around Arthur's bed he wanted _more_.

Merlin wanted to turn back time; to go back to when he was young, naïve. He wanted to believe in peace again—he wanted the blood off his hands.

Merlin knew it was impossible, one didn’t mess with time. Even if he could go back, it wouldn’t change a thing. Either he would take over his younger self—effectively destroying the naïve and kind boy—or he would be taken over and his younger self would still make the same mistakes he had.

It didn’t stop him from dreaming, from wishing. If only he could go back in time and save Will, save Freya, save Balinor, save Lancelot. If only he could stop everyone dying.

It seemed, to Merlin, that everyone who learnt of his magic died. The only exception was Gaius, Gaius who loved and cared for him as a father. Gaius who still lived.

_Remind me why I keep you around?_

If Merlin left it would stay that way.

Merlin was tired. He was exhausted in more ways than physically, his grief weighed down on him, bowed his shoulders under its weight. Arthur’s anger had cut him deeper than he thought, Merlin wished he could brush the words off as he had done before, but instead they settled in and twisted his thoughts and his dreams.

He didn’t have dreams anymore, instead, nightmares plagued his sleep—the dreams twisting and becoming cruel. This night wasn’t any different, just because he’d had a bad day didn’t mean his subconscious would give him a break.

* * *

This time it was Will. Will would have liked Gwaine, Merlin thought, and his subconscious provided.

He was back in Ealdor, Will's funeral pyre burning in front of him. There was another one next to it, Merlin squinted through the flames, the body lying on the pyre belonged to Gwaine. Merlin instinctively knew that Gwaine had taken the fall for him as well, that this dead Gwaine had known of his magic.

"You know how dangerous magic is," Arthur said from beside Merlin, he was staring right at Merlin, "this is a grievous betrayal, Merlin."

"Arthur?"

"You have betrayed me," Arthur said from behind him. Merlin turned slowly, Arthur was both in front and behind him simultaneously. Merlin flinched as the Arthurs turned the same furious glare from earlier back on him. "This is all _your_ fault. Remind me why I keep you around?"

The words cut just as much as they had earlier, and Merlin let out a broken sob as the scene changed.

* * *

The lake of Avalon was just as beautiful as it had been the first time Merlin had seen it. The only difference was Freya lying on the ground. Merlin dropped to his knees beside her and cradled her limp form in his arms.

"I should never have trusted you," she whispered, somehow, even hearing these words when he _knew_ she had never even thought them hurt more than Arthur's anger.

"No," Merlin begged, "no, Freya, I did all I could."

"It wasn't enough."

She turned away, and when her eyes closed he let himself cry.

* * *

The clearing where Balinor had died was instantly recognisable to Merlin. Merlin's mind liked to play this scene on repeat—often changing only the slightest of details; a _what-if_ here and there.

What if, Balinor had lived? He would probably have been executed by Uther, only once Kilgarrah had been dealt with. And wasn't that funny? Uther allowed magic when it suited him, and _only_ when it suited him.

What if, Balinor hadn't been found? He would still be alive, but the whole of Camelot wouldn't.

The sword pierced Balinor over and over again, the single moment being drawn out into what felt like hours.

"We're doomed." Arthur said accusingly, "the dragon will kill us all now. You should never have done this."

Merlin turned, tear-tracks cutting through the dirt on his face. Arthur brandished a sword towards him, and Merlin took a fearful step away.

"Remind me why you're still here?"

Balinor lay there, the sword still in his chest and it broke what was left of Merlin's heart.

* * *

Lancelot stepped into the veil, and yet the Dorocha didn't leave. The sacrifice had failed, and Merlin knew that it was waiting for more blood. He found himself unable to step forwards, unable to sacrifice himself—cursed to watch his friends each sacrifice themselves one by one.

One by one, until only Arthur was left hammering at a barrier not unlike Merlin's. The veil was desperate—it needed more to close the tear, it yearned for blood. 

"Let me go!" Arthur yelled, and Merlin was startled to see that he was looking at _Merlin_. "Let me sacrifice myself!"

"I'm not doing anything!" Merlin yelled right back, afraid of the accusation in Arthur's expression.

"Yes, you are!"

The barriers had become reflective, and in Merlin's, he could see the gold tint in his eyes. _He_ had done this, _he_ had stood by while all of his friends had sacrificed themselves. He was almost glad for the reflective barriers because it hid his tears from Arthur. 

* * *

Merlin woke with a start. He felt like he hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep. Merlin's room was lit only by moonlight, and he knew, with sudden certainty, that he was crying. The tears spilled from him, his blanket covering his mouth to avoid making any noise.

It took him a while to calm back down, his eyes burned from the crying, and his head ached.

His eyes fell on the ink and paper on his table and Arthur's words echoed again.

_Remind me why you're still here?_

The paper was blank, but Merlin put pen to ink and started to write. If he left then no one else would die. Not for him, when he didn't deserve it. The paper was full by the time Merlin had finished writing before he had finished pouring his thoughts onto the page. Merlin blew on the letter to dry the ink and carefully placed it on his pillow.

He had to finish packing the important things and leave before Gaius woke. If Gaius were to know what he was doing then he would try to stop Merlin, and the warlock couldn't have that.

_(His head still ached, and he coughed into his elbow, but it was nothing; just left from crying.)_

Quietly, he took his bag with his clothes and magic book and snuck out, the light rain making his hair stick to his head and him slightly damp. With one last look back towards the castle before he stepped through the trees. He would stop off at the lake of Avalon to see Freya, then he would decide where to go from there.


	2. Chapter 2

Gaius woke around dawn with a sinking suspicion that something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t a feeling that Gaius normally had—in fact, he hadn’t had a feeling like this since before the purge—but it was real nonetheless. He lay there for a moment, considering the suspicion and what it could be about. It was a few minutes before he was meant to make sure that Merlin was up that he decided to check on his ward.

He walked up the stairs to Merlin's door—his joints weren't very pleased with it, but they were never pleased in winter so Gaius didn't think much of it—and pushed the door open.

"Merlin," he called, "Merlin, it's time to get up."

When there was no reply Gaius stepped into the room. His eyes fell on the empty bed, and he frowned. There were three reasons the empty bed felt _wrong_ to him; 1. Merlin never made his bed, and this one was straightened perfectly. 2. Merlin was up and clearly had been for a while. and 3. _There was a letter on the bed_.

Gaius picked the letter up and noted the rushed handwriting and the name on the top. It was addressed to him, and Gaius had read too much of Merlin's writing to not immediately recognise the lettering. Holding it as though it was made of gold, Gaius made his slow way back to his seat by the fire—not that there was a fire going at the moment—and settled down to read the letter.

 _Dear Gaius,_ it started and Gaius felt his heart sink, _I'm very sorry to have to say this, but I can't stay. Everyone who knows about my magic, or has gotten close to me, has died—I couldn't deal with any more people dying because of me. First was Will, you probably don't know him, but he was my best friend; then Freya died, I loved her you know? We were going to leave Camelot, live in peace and freedom in a house by a lake. Morgana betrayed us, but only after I betrayed her first. I'll regret that to the end of my days. Then Balinor died and Kilgarrah killed all those innocents, and Lancelot took my place in the veil._

 _I don't want any more deaths_. Gaius could picture Merlin writing in the dark, putting all his hopes and fears on-page. _I want everyone to live in peace and freedom. I know I'll never get my wish, but that's what it is. However, back to my original statement: I can't stay. If I stay, I'm going to undoubtedly get close to someone else, spill my secret, and get them killed. I couldn't forgive myself if that happens again. So I'm leaving. I'll be gone by the time you wake up, don't worry about me; I'm only doing what I should have done a long time ago. Arthur had the right idea yesterday, I should've left before now._

 _Love, Merlin._ The letter ended there, nothing more about where Merlin could have gone. Gaius checked the paper again, and re-read a few times. There was nothing more, nothing written between the lines.

"Oh, Merlin," Gaius murmured, "what have you done?"

* * *

Arthur woke to birdsong.

It was the first time in a long while that he hadn't woken to Merlin's voice. It wasn't that he missed it, but he knew now—after he'd had a good sleep—that he'd been incredibly rude to Merlin. He wouldn't be surprised if Merlin was just refusing to serve him until he'd apologised. Either way, Merlin's presence was something that Arthur missed, so he started the trek to Gaius' chambers. Hopefully, he'd catch Merlin before the servant started his duties.

Arthur knocked first, he didn't want to barge in and interrupt something. He wasn't _Merlin_ , thank you very much. When Gaius called out, "Come in!" Arthur opened the door and walked in.

It was just Gaius. Arthur squished the disappointment and readied himself for searching the castle for Merlin.

"Gaius," Arthur said, keeping his voice even, "you wouldn't happen to know where Merlin is, would you?"

"Sire," Gaius started, Arthur narrowed his eyes at the sight. Gaius' eyes were shining slightly and he held a letter in his hands. Arthur's mind immediately jumped to the worst conclusion.

"He's not dead, isn't he?"

"What?" Gaius' attention snapped to Arthur. He was king, Gaius' stare should _not_ make him feel like a guilty child. "Oh, no. He's not dead. Thank the goddess."

"Then what is it? Where is he?"

"He's left, your majesty."

The words stumped Arthur. At first, he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly, but when Gaius repeated himself Arthur was forced to accept that yes, he had heard correctly, and yes, Merlin had left. Fury burned in the pit of his stomach, but he ignored it in favour of worry.

"Why would Merlin leave?" he wasn't aware he was speaking aloud until Gaius answered.

"He's worried and scared, sire," Gaius explained, then his tone changed slightly. "What did you tell him yesterday?"

Arthur's heart stopped. He remembered very clearly what he had yelled at Merlin, and he hoped against all hope that Merlin had not taken the words to heart.

"It doesn't matter." he said finally, "I should not have said it. I'm going to find him and bring him back."

"I hope so, sire, I truly do."

* * *

Merlin didn't sleep. Instead, he settled by the lake of Avalon. His cough hadn't left and his nose had started to run. He'd recognised it easily, he was getting sick. The weather wasn't helping either, the light rain had transformed into heavy rainfall, and Merlin was soaked and cold. His magic protected the clothing and books in his bag, but Merlin himself was free game.

He couldn't go back. If he went back, then someone would surely die.

Arthur's words came back to him in an instant, _god you're so stupid_ , he had said. Merlin certainly felt stupid right about now. He'd stopped shivering, but he was aware that it wasn't a good thing. It was easier, not shivering, even though Merlin knew it was a sign of hypothermia.

Tears came easily, even though Merlin had already had a good cry that morning.

* * *

Arthur eyed the rain with a worried frown. He made a beeline for the horses and waited impatiently for the stablehand to ready his favourite.

"Princess!"

Arthur turned, not surprised to see Gwaine ducking out of the rain.

"Yes, Gwaine?"

"Where's Merlin?"

Arthur sighed and gestured to the stablehand. "I'm going looking for him."

Gwaine's eyes widened and they flicked between the horses and Arthur.

"I'll come with," he said, "I'll get the others—"

"No."

_"What?"_

"It's my fault," Arthur explained, "the weather is awful. I'm going alone and that's final."

Gwaine watched him for a few moments, considering. He seemed to find what he wanted from Arthur because he nodded and accepted the terms.

"Find him," Gwaine said, "you find him, and you bring him back."

It was Arthur's turn to watch Gwaine consideringly, "I promise."


	3. Chapter 3

The rain made the ground muddy, but Arthur's horse was a steady and cautious one and did not lose her footing. He'd been riding for nearly an hour, Merlin had left only the occasional footprint, but not nearly as many as Arthur expected of him.

For someone so clumsy, Merlin could easily sneak out of Camelot without anyone noticing. It was a skill, of that Arthur was sure. He just wished it wasn't a skill that made Merlin so hard to find.

 _"MERLIN!"_ Arthur's yell startled a few birds, and a rabbit ran across his path. If he was hunting that would be a good sign, but Arthur was there for Merlin. If only he could _find_ him.

Then, all of a sudden, without warning, he _did_. Arthur slid off his horse, landing in the mud. The lake was beautiful and vaguely familiar, but Arthur was focus on the sight of Merlin. He was slumped against a tree, gazing out over the water. It didn't seem like he had spotted Arthur, but one could never be sure. Arthur felt a stab of anger at Merlin, and he had a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue, but upon stepping closer Arthur noticed that Merlin had tears tracking down his cheeks and his eyes had a slightly glazed quality to them.

The anger died before it had truly begun, replaced by guilt and sympathy.

"Merlin?"

Merlin flinched but otherwise didn’t react. Arthur felt fury only towards himself; he cursed his impatience and temper for causing this. 

“Merlin?” Arthur asked again. “Merlin, I need you to acknowledge that you can hear me.”

Merlin tilted his head and his eyes met Arthur’s. Arthur breathed a sigh of relief and crouched in front of him. 

“Merlin, I can’t say how sorry I am for my part in all of this,” Arthur waved a hand around in a generalised noncommittal gesture, “I said things to you yesterday,” he continued, watching for Merlin’s reaction, “things I regret.”

Merlin’s gaze was knowing and judgemental, yet he still didn’t say anything. It broke Arthur’s heart to see him like this. Merlin was always brave and courageous. Seeing him like this was a direct juxtaposition to how Merlin normally was and it was a jarring realisation.

“Come home, Merlin.”

Merlin’s eyes cleared slightly and relief flooded through Arthur. That relief was short-lived and dashed with Merlin’s words. 

“No,” Merlin said coolly, “leave me alone, Arthur.”

Arthur nearly fell over. “Merlin!”

"Arthur.”

"I’m not leaving without you, Merlin.” Arthur held out his hand, ready to help haul Merlin to his feet. 

The hand hung there between them, Merlin watched it for a long moment, but he turned away. 

“Merlin, please,” Arthur begged, hand still outstretched, “please, I _need_ you. You are the person who means the most to me, I _need_ you. Come home with me.”

Merlin turned back, eyed the hand, then slowly—ever so slowly—took it. Arthur’s face split into a wide grin and he pulled Merlin up. Arthur gripped Merlin’s shoulders and tugged him into a hug. Arthur wasn’t so oblivious as to not notice the way Merlin was boiling to the touch, the way he trembled in Arthur's arms, but it was not something Arthur knew how to deal with. The best thing for Merlin would be to get him back to Gaius. 

“Come on,” Arthur helped Merlin onto his horse, then hauled himself up after. 

* * *

They rode into Camelot and left the horse in the care of the stablehand. Thanks to Arthur’s body heat, Merlin had gotten feeling back in his hands and feet, and he’d started shivering again.

Logically, Merlin knew that it was best for him to get checked over by Gaius, but Merlin still protested. Unfortunately for him, Arthur had counter-arguments for everything Merlin brought up. The thing that finally convinced Merlin was the way he stumbled with every step and had to lean heavily on Arthur for the walk to Gaius’ chambers. 

They made it there, and Arthur opened the door. Gaius looked up from where he was checking over a few tonics and potions. 

"Merlin! Sire, you found him!" Gaius dropped everything he was doing in favour of checking Merlin over.

"He's got a fever," Arthur explained, "he's been freezing for hours, I'd guess."

Gaius nodded and forced Merlin onto the bed.

"That will be all, sire," Gaius said absentmindedly, "you can go now."

“No,” Arthur protested, “I’m not leaving him.”

"Very well," Gaius conceded, "get him out of those wet clothes, there are spares in his room."

Merlin watched Arthur disappear into his room, and was suddenly very glad of his decision to take his magic book with him. He had no idea of what he would do if Arthur discovered it. He had no idea of what _Arthur_ would do if Arthur discovered it. Privately, Merlin suspected that Arthur wouldn't be going looking for him. If Arthur discovered a magic book in Merlin's things, Merlin thought that he would be lucky to keep his head.

"Here," Arthur said, tossing clean clothes on the bed next to Merlin. He carefully extracted Merlin from his soaking clothes and dressed him in the warm, clean ones. It was a strange sort of role reversal, and Merlin found he didn't mind (how Arthur could do it every day was still a mystery, but it was somehow less mysterious than before). It felt nice to be so cared for, to know that if he left he would be missed.

"Gwaine wanted to come looking for you," Arthur said quietly, Merlin hung his head, "he wanted to bring the knights."

"Oh."

"Merlin," Gaius interrupted, "take this—it should fix you right up."

Merlin stretched a hand out for it, and Gaius unstoppered it for him. He drank it in one, the taste awful and it burned on the way down. Gaius frowned slightly at him, the worried and nervousness in his expression not fading. Merlin felt drowsy, and he slumped back onto the pillow. Arthur tugged the blanket over him, and Merlin was out in an instant.

* * *

"Sire," Gaius started once Merlin was asleep, "I wanted to thank you—"

"Don't." Arthur interrupted, still holding the blanket, "I don't deserve it, this is my fault."

"No, Arthur, you brought him back."

Arthur flushed, he dropped the blanket and turned away. Gaius shot him a knowing look.

"I have duties to take care of," Arthur said thickly, "look after him?"

"Of course." Gaius sat beside Merlin and watched as Arthur left in a hurry. "He'll be alright."


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin groaned and sat up. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and his throat hurt slightly, but he felt better than he did yesterday. Gaius was by his side in an instant, checking over him to make sure he was alright.

"Gaius?"

"Merlin!" Gaius picked up a couple of vials that Merlin vaguely recognised but didn't have the energy to put a name to. "Are you feeling better?"

"Much," Merlin confirmed, "what happened?"

Gaius' face fell. He paused where he was—the vial held at an angle, Gaius half turned away from Merlin.

"You don't remember?" Gaius asked cautiously, and when Merlin shook his head and waved a hand in a vague so-so gesture, he sat across from Merlin and started to explain. He told Merlin everything, from the letter to Arthur bringing him back. Merlin flushed, embarrassed by the story.

"Why would you leave?" Gaius spoke softly, carefully, "you must know that we care about you, that we would miss you? We don't care about the risks—it's better to love and lose than to never love at all."

"I don't know," Merlin whispered, picking at a loose thread on the old blanket, "people who get close to me—close enough to learn my secrets—always die. I can't lose _you_ , and I can't lose Arthur. Not because of me."

"Oh, _Merlin_."

Gaius moved to sit on the end of the bed, and Merlin made room for him. Tears made his vision shaky, and Merlin resolutely ignored the slight wobble in his voice and the cool dampness on his cheeks.

"You are _not_ the cause of those deaths," Gaius patted Merlin's leg in a comforting manner, "You have saved so many people, my boy, _you_ are a hero to everyone here. I am so very proud of you."

Merlin flushed again and buried his face in the blanket. Gaius let out a startled laugh and stood up, careful not to fall.

"You are like a son to me, Merlin," Gaius said warmly, smiling gently down at Merlin. "I, Arthur, and the whole of Camelot owe you our lives. We need you, my boy, and we love you."

"Thank you, Gaius."

* * *

Arthur stood in front of Gaius' closed door, debating on whether to knock. Eventually, it got too much, just standing in front of the door—he had to see Merlin, he had to make sure Merlin was alright.

Arthur knocked. Gently at first, but then louder.

"Come in!" Gaius called from inside, and Arthur opened the door.

He looked around and grinned when he spotted Merlin—awake and lucid—on the bed. Quickly, but with a respectful nod towards Gaius, Arthur took the seat next to Merlin's bed.

"I'm off to the kitchens," Gaius said, "I'll leave you two alone."

Arthur's ears warmed, and he was pleasantly surprised to see Merlin flush as well. Arthur waited, curious as to whether Merlin had anything he wanted to say; Merlin was silent—the blush spreading from his ears and cheeks to his neck. He buried his face in the blanket and Arthur chuckled softly. After a long moment, it became obvious that Merlin wasn't going to speak and Arthur decided to take pity on him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Alright," Merlin said—slightly muffled by the blanket, "did you really have to see me like that?"

"No," Arthur admitted, "but I'm glad I did."

There was a pause as Merlin looked up, a small smile on his face.

"I'm sorry for what I said." Arthur said finally, "it was uncalled for and I was being—what do you call it— _prattish_."

Merlin laughed, and Arthur felt pleased and proud. Merlin's laugh was what he had been searching for and missing, those past few days.

"I mean it, Merlin, when I heard you had left I got really scared. I—" he broke off, and swallowed thickly, "I would have missed you. You scared me when I found you by that lake, I thought you were dead. I could let you go without first apologising for my words and actions—they weren't acceptable, and there is nothing in the world that _would_ make words like that acceptable."

"Arthur," Merlin's eyes shone, "I forgive you."

Arthur hung his head, he was sure he didn't deserve it, but Merlin seemed sure and Arthur didn't want to upset him—he wasn't lying, he would certainly miss Merlin if the servant decided to leave.

"Well," Arthur coughed to clear his throat, "take a few days off, rest up—I want to see you happier and healthier when you come back to work."

Merlin's smile grew, "Arthur?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Arthur's own smile grew, the warmth from Merlin's praise filled him, and he loved the sensation. He would give anything to keep Merlin happy, to keep Merlin in his life.

"Do you need anything?" Arthur asked—he would give Merlin the world if he asked.

"No," Merlin answered, his smile lit up the room. "Thank you, Arthur."

Arthur was saved from answering by Gaius entering, followed by a servant that Arthur didn't recognise. The servant dutifully dished out warm meals, and Gaius thanked her quietly. She smiled and bowed before vanishing out the door.

"Well?" Gaius asked, and placed soup in front of Merlin. "Eat up, you need the strength."

Arthur got up, and just before he left he paused and turned back around.

"Merlin?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Don't ever do this again, _please_."

"I won't," Merlin promised.

"Take care, Merlin," Arthur smiled back at him and left the room in high spirits.

* * *

_Time and time again, people allow doubt in themselves and others to motivate their actions._

_Not even the most powerful are exempt, and not even the most powerful can control their emotions._

_Grief, anger, fear, and pain can cause the most deaths; whether visible or not._

_However, the best cure is_ always _friendly company and healthy communication with loved ones._

**Author's Note:**

> It was all done and I just had to post before I forgot.
> 
> Oh well, hope you like it anon!!


End file.
